Hey you

Hey you, 

How’s life been treating you lately? It seems that you haven’t gotten up from the ground yet after your fall. Or is it that life has been putting you down lately, keeping you on the ground? 

Have you tried getting up and brushing off the dirt from your knees before moving forward? Or have you gotten too comfortable staying on the ground, just looking up at everyone moving past you? 

No one’s going to stop and help you up, you know. You need to get up yourself before anybody else will notice that you need help. But the again, on second thought, maybe they would not help you still even if you get up because they will think that you are strong enough to move forward. 

Or, have you tried asking for help? That has always been your dilemma, you know. You don’t know when to ask for help. You have been too strong on your own and you have stayed strong for everyone else that you no longer know when it is time for you to ask for help. 

Help. What is help, anyway? You never really knew the concept of it. All you knew is either using people or bartering with services. A favor asked is a favor returned. That has always been your mantra. 

It’s not pride that keeps you from asking for help. It is your own inability to know when to ask for it. 

Somebody said that if you fall to the ground, roll over and look at the stars. You’ve been looking at the stars for a long time now. Do you have any plans of trying to get up and reach for one? Literally, it is indeed impossible but what the heck. Maybe it is about time to try. 

I can see that you are tired, though. Maybe a few more moments of rest will do you good. Rest. It is important for one’s soul. Let go of all the worries and just grab life by the reigns. It is about time to plan out your next step while you rest. 

And once you get up, find the strength in you to move forward. I know you still have an ounce left. Let go of your baggages. You don’t need them in your journey. They will just drag you down. It will take a while though but at least make a start. It will be worth it, I promise. 

Rest. Then get up. Move forward. Life is waiting to happen. There is always a new beginning. 

Me

Three Words by Caravaggio

I have been searching for this post ever since peyups.com changed its interface. Good thing I was able to save this in my mailbox a long, long time ago.

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The three words that mean the most aren’t “I love you”, with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth. What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair? “I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway. “I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold. “I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall. “I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt. “I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you”, with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically. “I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say. “I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes. “I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.

The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances. “I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect. “I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.

The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”. This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.

“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”. And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.

And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.

 

Meantime Girl

I was rummaging through one of our old blogs looking for a certain post when I found this. Thought about re-posting it here.. 😛

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MEANTIME GIRL

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find “The One”. You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real” woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real” woman does. But she’s cool,and nice, and funny, and attractive tough that when you’re lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she’lldo just fine. You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that youhave any real romantic feelings for her. It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on yourpants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool…why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.
Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark
on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want)in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her
smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head.
She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings.
She has a heart.
In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because
although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl.
Been one more times than I care to admit.
I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care.
I just want to let every guy know who’s ever had the good fortune to
have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too.
A lot.
And someday we won’t be around.

~An anonymous meantime girl~

This Is The Aftermath Of Cheating

something to ponder about…

Thought Catalog

Every day since, you have felt the tension in the air between your bodies. It is as though the words “You lied to me” linger delicately in the space between you, which seems to grow every second.

When you look at them, you do not think about anything but the lips that have touched theirs, the ones that are not your own. You ask yourself: Did they like it? More? Did they have to lean down to meet the other person’s lips, were they tall enough, did they not have to stand on the tips of their toes to meet the embrace? Did they like it better that way? You know they will assure you of the opposite. You know it will be hard for you to accept it, but ultimately you will, because you see no other choice. Maybe it becomes easier to accept the lies of the ones…

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Remembering Daddy

Dear Daddy, daddy

It has been a year when you have decided to leave this world for a better place. I wouldn’t say that you have left us as I know that wherever you are, you are watching over us.

I cannot say that it was easy living life without you. For the past year, we have coped in our own separate ways and was able to move on with our lives. But it is not the same. There are still times that I would just want to sit quietly beside you and be comforted by just your mere presence. No words are needed. I’ve had several road blocks in life since you were gone and I try to overcome them by following all your advice. And I would like to thank you for that. But then again, remembering your advice and talking to you and listening to your voice are two different things.

It would have been fun to see you meet your first grandchild. I’m sorry that you two didn’t meet. He came a little too late. You would have been so proud of him. He is a fighter just like you. It would have been so perfect (for the lack of other terms) had you still been here to watch him grow. I think he would have been a grandpa’s boy. 🙂  My only hope is that I can raise him as you have raised us.

I miss you. I miss your jokes, I miss the joyrides, I miss the quiet evenings spent at the dining table discussing whatever we all thought of. I miss the jamming sessions, I miss the Sunday picnics. I miss having you around. And I don’t think words could really express how much I miss you.

There’s not much that I can say, really. I wish you were still here. A year after you’ve gone and it is still not easy not having you here.  Wherever you are, I hope that you continue to watch over us.

 

 

a letter for my baby…

Dear Baby Love,

with my baby love

with my baby love

For 38 weeks I have awaited your arrival and now, here you are. You have arrived at last, filling my days with overwhelming joy with just your presence alone.

I have never dreamed that I would, one day, have someone call me Mommy. I almost gave up that thought and was about to resign myself to the fact that I will forever be the Aunt or the Godmother. But you changed all that. You came into my life at the best time possible.

I was losing focus of my goals and my own personal perspective. I was running in circles, always going back to square one and not accomplishing a thing. I kept thinking of the real purpose why I do things however, I am not able to find one. I was becoming a headless chicken running around with no direction.

I was already getting accustomed to the purposeless life I led and was starting not to care. Until the day I got the unexpected news. I was scared when I learned of your existence. A million questions were running through my head. What have I gotten myself into? Is this real? Am I dreaming? How do I tell my family? Can I raise you on my own? How will I adjust to a new lifestyle? But at the same time, I was filled with explainable joy. After so many crossroads I’ve been to that always led me back to square one, I was able to find a road that will give my life meaning. You became the reason why I do the things I do. You became my motivation to move forward, to become a better person, to be the person that you need.

Your first ultrasound didn’t show anything that hit me with my new reality. It was all so surreal. But on the second ultrasound we had, that was when I first saw you. Such a tiny baby with your heart beating and your arm moving. I couldn’t believe the fact that I am going to have you and yet I fell in love with you at that moment. That was when my whole perspective changed.

10 weeks

10 weeks

Every waking moment I try to imagine what you would look like, what you would be like. And every moment before I sleep, I tell you of my wishes and dreams for you. And I would imagine you listening intently to what I was saying and probably agreeing to some of them.

Week after week, I watched and felt you grow. I was always trying to feel your movements. I was actually excited to feel your kicks and your rolls. And you didn’t disappoint me. I felt your movement quite early in fact. That was such a joyous morning. I am the type of person who likes to be in control. But with you, sweet love, I never had the control. I never knew what to expect when it comes to you. You were always so full of surprises. You let me know what you like and dislike even when you were still inside my tummy. And it was fun to learn those things about you.

weekly growth

weekly growth

Seeing you on the screen and seeing you for the very first time are very different experiences. When you were brought to me for the very first time, you were crying. But when I held you and you heard my voice, you quieted down. Holding you in my arms for the very first time felt like heaven and seeing you melted my heart. You made me forget of the pain that I had just gone through for several hours prior to your arrival.

For the past 38 weeks, baby love, I was alone in my journey as I waited for your arrival. Now that you are here, your own journey begins. But know that you are not alone. I will always be here for you, sweetheart. I will walk the journey to life with you. I will be cheering you on, sharing in your pain, hugging you in comfort, be your source of strength as you are mine.

We will be going through a lot of things in this journey, baby love. I won’t be able to promise you that it will be a smooth ride all throughout. There will be a lot of bumps on the road – some small and some are big, and we will go through them together. Our lives will be a one bumpy ride but it will be the best road trip that we will ever have.

I love you so much, my son. You make my life complete. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. I promise that you will never regret it.

heaven sent <3 :-)

heaven sent

Book 2: Blabber Chapter 2: The End is the Beginning…

2718_1055263298756_2875019_nAnother chapter is about to end, another book is about to close. Looking back, a lot of things were experienced and a lot of lessons learned.  New things were experienced and explored, a lot of mistakes were committed, but at the end of the day, it was rising from those mistakes that define who I am right now.

It all started with bursting my own comfort bubble. New things were introduced to me, and like a child, I was excited and a bit scared to go through it all. It took a bit of courage to get through the tough ones and a smile through the happy ones.  Everything was come and go, so to speak. There were things that were hard to let go, there were experiences that were easily accepted. A lot of happy times, heartbreaks, sorrows, what-if moments, unforgettable moments, and times that you wish you could get back to and redo the things that should have been done. A lot of regrets, anger, disappointments but at the same time, there were a whole lot more of the happy times spent with family and loved ones. Those are the things that are most important in the past few chapters.

People have come and gone from my life and no matter what the ending of the relationship with each and every one of them, I am grateful for the things they have left behind for me to learn from. Some of them taught me that not everyone who becomes a friend is trustworthy – they will just take advantage of you. Some of them taught me that not everyone will be there when you need them no matter how much they tell you that you can call on them when you need them. And some of them taught me that, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own actions. Well, it is not all negative as a lot of them taught me that there are moments that you should just let go and enjoy, take risks and see where it gets you. And if you fall, they are there beside you falling down with you as well. Some of those people taught me that it doesn’t matter what people think of you as long as you know you are doing the right thing and some of them also taught me that there is no sense hanging on to people who will only disappoint you in the end.

For every struggle that I suffered from, for every unforgettable moment that I will cherish until I expire, for every accomplishment that I have achieved, for every mistakes I have committed and for everything else that I have gone through, there are only a handful of people  that I know of that stuck by me. I don’t know if it was by choice or what-not, but nevertheless, this is the one opportunity that I would like to thank them. My family had been there for me regardless of my shortcomings to them, my closest cousins became my best friends who offered shoulders to cry on when needed, my closest friends (well, you know who you are) for just being there even if there are no words spoken. I wouldn’t be where I am in my life today without your support, guidance, love, words of wisdom and comfort whenever needed.

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This is not yet the end of everything. It’s just another chapter that is ending however, another book in my life is about to begin. New chapters, new characters, new experiences, new moments to be created and cherished. But it doesn’tnecessarily mean that the previous characters in my life’s previous book will be gone. Some of them may, but most of them will remain. And I don’t think they will ever be gone from the next book, anyway.

So, cheers to an unexpected ending and a new beginning of my own story book series.