through the eyes of a child

photo c/o lakaygayyad_igorot

Through the eyes of a child
The truth is black and white
A yes is a yes; a no is a no
There’s no maybe, I don’t know, I hope so

Through the eyes of a child
The world is seen in colors so bright
Roses are red, the skies are so blue
The earth is brown, and so are you

Through the eyes of a child
Everything is simple and pure
No lies, no deception
No delusions nor pretension

I long for one moment
To go back in time
To see the world once more
Through the eyes of a child

in distress

A decade of trying to figure out what to do with my life. A decade of trying to find the right one for me. A decade of trying to be the knight in shining armor to the damsels in distress. A decade of going nowhere.

It felt like forever yet it was just a decade that passed. Relatively long, relatively short. And yet, looking back, I am not satisfied. A decade passed, yet I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. A decade passed and I still have a void within me that has yet to be filled.

Instead of the knight in shining armor riding the white horse, I feel like the defeated warrior looking for the end. Everything seems hopeless, I feel helpless. Just like the defeated warrior, I drag my way through life, living each day as it arrives. Desperately looking for that glimmer of hope, someone who is in need of a white knight. However, I have nothing left to give, nothing left to offer. Maybe except for one. If ever someone accepts.

All those years, I tried to give a piece of me to every damsel in need, only asking for one small thing to make me whole; one small thing to fill the void that has been eating me up inside. I only ask for the chance to prove that I am the white knight they have wished for, hoped for, prayed for.

All these damsels in the past faded as memories fade. They passed through my life as grains of sand passed through my fingers. Nothing is left. Nobody stayed. Nobody gave me that one small thing that I ask for.

Now, the shining armor has faded, the old metal getting rusty. This warrior has grown old and weary. All around me, damsels are no longer in distress. No one needs a white knight to save them from their distress. There’s no more need to don the shining armor and ride the white horse and be the hero of the day. No one needs to be saved. Not anymore. Maybe except for me…

castles in the sand

I thought this was it. The final one. The last struggle, the final answer. It was all too perfect from the very beginning. I was happy, I felt contented. And I thought to myself, this is where I settle down.

I started making plans. I started building castles in the sand, thinking this would last. Never had it come to mind that castles would eventually erode by the strong waves brought in by the high tide. Never did it come to mind that the waves would be too strong for my castles to survive. And never did it come to mind that there will be waves bigger and greater and far stronger than my castle.

Before my eyes, my castle of dreams slowly erode. I desperately tried to  salvage it, to rebuild what was ruined but the waves were coming in too fast for me. In desperate plea, I prayed for the storm to pass, for the waves to stop. But my plea was never answered. I watched helplessly as the waves devoured my castle. I stood by, crying over the sand that was left, feeling my heart shatter in agony.

All those times spent in building it and the love poured over the creation has been lost in just a span of few minutes. I howled in pain, just as the thunders roll, sympathizing with the gut-wrenching pain I feel inside.

The place where my sand castle stood was now as flat as the day I started building. The castle is gone, taken by the waters back to where it belonged and taking all my hopes and dreams with it.

Maybe it’s time to build anew. Find a new place to start. Build a castle that can survive the strongest of the waves. Build new hopes and dreams. But for now, I will await for the storm to pass before I start moving on.

 

 

*** photo from: http://www.panoramio.com/photo/34011709***

flicker


Let me be the light
Let me be the warmth
Let me be the guide
On this cold moonless night

I may be small in a way
I may not last that long
I may easily die
But I can rekindle the fire

Darkness may still prevail in the end
Let me give a small glimpse of hope
You can always cast me away
Once the dark turns to gray

stormy dawns and clearer days

Dark clouds are gathering in the sky this early morn. I watch through the window as thunders roll and lightning disturbs the once quiet skies. I stand by the window, pulling the sheet tighter around me as I feel the early morning chill. The weather kind of suits me as my emotions are in quite a turmoil this stormy dawn.

I look back at your slumbering form, looking so peaceful in your sleep as the rain starts pouring outside. I let out a soft sigh and looks outside the window once more, losing myself in my own thoughts.

I long to stay out in the rain. To let it wash away the confusion that I am feeling, giving me a clearer view of things. Just as the dark clouds give way to a clear blue sky after the storm. All the confusion within me is making me restless. Now I just realized that I hate storms. What an irony.

I long for a smoke this dreary early morn. But I’m already trying to quit the habit. And I don’t want to wake you. Because you would be asking questions that I don’t want to answer. Probably not because I don’t want to, more like because I’m scared of blurting out the answers that will make everything more real. And I am scared of making this real. Whatever this thing is that we have.

I never expected to feel this way with you. You make me feel things that I’ve never let myself feel before. You somehow threw me out of my own axis and you became my semblance of balance. You became the catalyst that I never realized I was looking for. And I never know what to expect from you because of your spontaneity and love for life. It is exhilarating, it feels good, it scares the hell out of me. It makes me want to not wake up if this is a dream.

But somehow the thought of you being only a part of my dream tears me apart. Just the thought breaks my heart. I unconsciously clutch the sheet tighter around me, trying to ward off the chill inside.

Still lost in thoughts as the winds blow stronger outside, I start as I hear you call out my name softly. I look back to see you holding out your hand, beckoning me back. I smile and walk back, reaching for your hand as I lie beside you, snuggling close.

Resting my head on your shoulder with your arms around me and hearing the steady beat of your heart against mine, I feel calm and secure, laying all turmoil and confusion to rest. And as you tighten your arms around me and whisper, “sweet dreams,” I know deep in my heart that by the time I wake up, you will be my clear day after a stormy dawn.

 

 

***photo from: http://blog.travelpod.com/travel-photo/terry_dianne/2/1276418507/stormy-morning-sky.jpg/tpod.html***

free @ last

This is the end of my journey with you
Thanks for the good times, hoping you enjoyed it too
I can’t go with you coz you’re breaking my heart in two
I am letting you go, so long and goodbye to you

I am not take any more crap from you
I will live my life the way I wanted to
Embracing things as they come day by day
No more yelling, that was your way

Solitary life I will live may be
I look forward to peace and serenity
Freedom and happiness will be fulfilled
Enjoying every minute and every second of it.

lost soul

Broken pieces, mended not
Lay in the ground as they rot
Bleak eyes, staring none
Heavens cry, grieved for one

Buried deep within thy soul
heavy burdens, growing old
Crumbling walls, crashing in
Breaking through the light within

Mend me not, let me be
In this hopeless misery
Lost soul will once be found
Until then, don’t come around

untitled

I let you in, you kicked me out
Buried me deep into the ground
I never knew what I’d done wrong
But you never loved me all along

I was one of your own possession
A slave for all your twisted reason
I craved for your utmost attention
Hoping you would return my affection

You were once my fantasy
Forgetting all about reality
I never knew what life would be
Without you here with me

Starting over was the hardest thing
Clueless of what life would bring
Biding time for my heart to heal
Waiting for someone to love for real…

discipline in the family and the workplace

Ever tried thinking about the similarities of “Office discipline” and child discipline?

There is this sort of “unwritten protocol” that I think every company, whether you call the organization heirarchical or non-heirarchical (which, actually, doesn’t make any difference to me), in dealing, or instilling if you will, discipline to what the big bosses call the subordinates. Since in every organization there are team leads/supervisors/coach or whatever others call them, giving discipline or even giving instructions to groups are the respective group’s leader. If a leader of another group has an issue with another leader’s subordinate (I apologize for not being politically correct but this will make my illustration simpler, I guess), he/she must approach the subordinate’s leader to discuss the issue. It is then the responsibility of that leader to get the side of his subordinate and investigate the situation before issuing a memo or some other disciplinary action. In this way, no one is stepping on someone else’s responsibility because handling a team and making sure that they are following the rules (and all that) is the responsibility of the group’s leader. he/she should not let anyone interfere (unless of course, it is the higher management or worse, an intervention is needed for some reason) in taking care of his group/team.

Let me make myself a little bit clearer. Let’s say TL A has subordinates A1, A2 and A3. TL B has subordinates B1, B2 and B3. Now, TL A noticed that B3 has attendance issues. Not because TL A noticed it first mean that he will be the one to confront B3 directly and give him disciplinary action without discussing this issue with TL B, who is responsible for B3.

In my own opinion, this scenario is quite wrong in every angle that I see. First, TL A stepped on someone else’s responsibility, TL B’s. Second, TL A’s interference will most likely demotivate B3 by doing such action (when in fact, a lot of companies are trying so hard to motivate people due to high attrition rate these days). Third, the main issue here is disrespect – to TL B and even to B3.

Let’s come up with another scenario – the scenario which I think is should be followed or even implemented. TL B noticed that A2 is sleeping during working hours. TL B approaches TL A and discusses this issue with him. TL A then discusses the issue brought at attention by TL B. Then, TL A decides the right disciplinary action to be issued to A2.

In this way, you don’t overstep on someone’s area of responsibility and at the same time, you don’t disrespect the other leader and somewhat demotivate the the subordinate by the rash action.

This also applies with small issues within your own team. You find your team member showing some pictures to another team member and somehow you find their chatter quite distracting, this is no issue that needs to be raised to the higher ups (meaning the management). I consider this a non-issue in the higher ups. Instead, why don’t you, a team lead, talk to your team member in private (take note, IN PRIVATE), and explain that the chatter is somehow creating a distraction in the workplace and it needs to either stop or toned down. Make sure that you still say it in a constructive way (you still want your member’s respect so don’t go acting too superior). Team Leads out there, How easy is that???

I’ve actually tried saying all these one time when there was an issue some where, some time ago (no need to know the details) but I wasn’t too sure if they really understood what I was trying to explain here. It took me quite a while to compare this to child discipline and parenting.

Let’s look at the same scenario in a familial scene. You are a parent and you discipline your child in a certain way. Let’s say for the sake of example, you spank your child. Now, a co-parent (say, the parent of your child’s friend), has her own way to discipline her child and her way is to just talk to her child. Both your kids are playing when you saw that your child’s friend was destroying the plants. You don’t go dragging the other kid and spank him just because he is doing something wrong, now do you? You inform the child’s parent and it is the responsibility of his parent to take disciplinary action to her own child.

If you go ahead and spank the other child without even informing his parent, then that would be overstepping your responsibility and disrespecting the other parent in doing so.

I hope I’m making myself clear so far. This is just a simple scenario just so I could give a clear explanation of what I am trying to say (which I think is not that clear at all).

When you look at how the workplace functions, it isn’t actually that much different from a family. In a workplace, rules and policies are set and a certain standard of quality is meant to be achieved. In a family, there are rules and regulations set about by the parents for the kids to follow and these are the standards that are being set to make sure that the family values are instilled in their kids. In a workplace, employees have basic salaries and are given benefits and incentives for jobs well done. In a family, kids are given allowance and even an additional money and/or other gifts for best behavior or good grades. In a workplace, an employee is given a disciplinary action if he deviated from policy. In a family, a child is being discplined if he did something that is against the values being instilled in him.

There are actually many things that I can further discuss but I guess my whole point here is about respecting someone else’s position. Not every leader has the same kind of leadership. There is no reason to compare how leaders are handling their own teams or organizations or companies even, because no one’s leadership is better than anyone else. You can only determine that you are doing the best you can as a leader by first making sure that you are not overstepping someone else’s boundaries and being disrespectful. Make sure that you evaluate the actions you are about to make and always ask yourself if a certain action will be seen as disrespectful or will cause disharmony among people. Being a good leader is not by being self-righteous. You can figure the rest yourself.

Solitude

 

I thought I was strong. I thought I can do this alone. I thought I can fight my own battles by myself. I thought I can even fight battles for my family and friends.

I forgot that I was only pretending. I got carried away with all the pretensions that I show to the world. It seems that all the walls that I’ve erected are now crumbling down, one by one. And now, I am scared that people will see me for who I really am. A person who hides behind a wall of make-believe. A person lost in a chaotic world, without any idea how to go through all the chaos. A child hiding behind the image of a woman.

I thought everything I believed in was true. Now, I cannot truly say if I still believe in them. People have disproved almost all the things that I know. All the things I’ve learned. I’m not sure on what I believe in right now. Now people are disappointed with me. I am disappointed with myself.

The world is a cruel place. Fate is vicious as well. It gives you a taste of how interesting and lively and enjoyable life could be. Then, all of a sudden, it takes it all away from you. The life that you are starting to enjoy now suddenly pulled out beneath you, leaving only emptiness and heartache. It shows you how cruel the world could be. The world that you’ve once considered a haven for all the fantasies that you have.

That is where the pretensions come in. you still pretend that everything is all right. You deny that there is a problem. You deny that you are not strong enough to handle the truth about the world. You tend to let people know that fate is still good to you. Even when it fact, fate has turned its back on you.

It hurts to be in a situation such as this. I should know, because I am in such state right now. But here I am, trying my best to hide everything from the world. Trying to put up all my defenses to keep all the hurt inside. Trying to bury everything in the deepest part of my soul just so I can show the world that I am fine. That I am strong enough. That I can handle everything. Even when in truth, I am scared. I am weak. And all I want to do is to hide from everything. To run away and to forget. To cry out all the pain and the hurt from deep inside. To let everything out until oblivion sets in. until emptiness is all that is left within.

I am tired of facing this alone. But I have no one else to run to. I have no more refuge. For my refuge has now turned its back against me. I have to face everything alone. With no defenses left. With no pretensions to hide the real me. No defenses to protect me. Only weakness that I can hide no longer. I am left with only myself, the real me, scarred and flawed, to face everything that I’ve tried to run away from.

Heaven help me, but I don’t know how to do this. This has been a battle that I have been avoiding. For I am not certain of the outcome. I am not certain on where I will be after this. I have been stocked in the middle of nowhere with more ways to go through than I can handle. And right now, I cannot think. For all I want to do is to hide from the world to let the hurt heal for just a moment. To get my defenses back in place so I can pretend that I can handle everything once again. To let the cruel world know that I am strong enough to fight my battles one more time. That I can be victorious… even when I know that I am weak and has accepted defeat…. in solitude.

 

 

 

 

 

*** This is the first ever post that I published online several years ago… and this is the fourth time that I am re-posting it here for people to read… 😀