i alone…

So many things to say, yet I find no words to really say what’s inside. So many things are happening yet I can’t seem to cope with everything. It feels like I’m always trying to make sure that I am one step ahead of everyone however, everyone is catching up. I don’t have that much space anymore to move around. Not even to get ahead.

I feel like I am being dragged down by every small mistake I’ve made. And for every mistake, I lose something, someone along the way. Yet I know that I cannot go back. For some reason that I myself cannot understand. I have to leave what I lose, pick up on what’s ahead – until I lose it as well.

I have prayed for twists in my life. A few excitement here and there. But now, howcome, it seems that it had been a wrong thing to pray for? Everything is going down the drain because of it. I can barely catch my breath with all the things going around. I can even barely understand what’s already happening.

I am losing time. I am losing opportunities. I am losing people close to me. And for the life of me, I could not explain how my quiet life became such a chaotic mess. Everything that comes along my way gets in trouble. And in the end, I get all the blame and someone else the glory. Even if I haven’t done anything. Even if I was the one left shattered by it all.

I am wasting my time always picking up the pieces of my life everytime something happens only to have the pieces broken again after a while. I am tired of being in this place. Of being the one blamed for something just so someone’s fault can be justified. Yet I don’t have that much to give to turn the situation around anymore. I can only accept the blame. I can only accept the end.

I am hanging by a thread with all these things. And the burden is already becoming heavy. And I am totally sure that once the thread breaks, no one will be there to break my fall. I have to break my own fall. I have to heal my own wounds. I have to pick up all the pieces by myself. I alone will have to suffice. Because no one will be there. Because no one understands.

If only it’s possible to get rid of all the hurt in one day. If only a baggage full of hurt is like garments that are just shed when they’re soiled. If only…

I could only wish for the impossible. Maybe I need to get out of here. Maybe I need to disappear. And while at it, maybe I need to self-destruct. So I can start fresh…

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