a new resolve


The time of reckoning has arrived. This is it! There is no turning back. Months of mixed emotions and there was no way that she could give up now. She had agreed to this and had wanted to be a part of it. Some may see it as a mistake; some may see it as a sacrifice. But for her, she sees it as a blessing. This was something she was yearning for, something that she was praying for.

However, if it was indeed a mistake, then this must be the payment for it. Because the pain is too excruciating. Something that she had never imagined nor anticipated. She felt like she was being torn to pieces and no matter what she did, the pain only got worse.

She pleaded but she never knew for what. Redemption – probably. Salvation – most likely. She just knew she needed something, anything that will stop the pain. People around her were trying to give her comfort yet she could not even recognize the faces. They wouldn’t be able to help her anyway. It was too late. This was something that she would go through alone.

She was prepared to go through hell but she wasn’t prepared to die. Not yet anyway. Thoughts of dying were running through her head. She was only seeing death right in her face. Death was about to take her. A litany of prayers was spoken and yet she knew not if it came from her or from the people around her.

A scream was burning deep down within but she was too weak to let it out. Or did she? She didn’t know anymore. Pain had a strong grip on her. How long would this go? Oh Lord, please let it end.

If only it will end now. She pleaded and pleaded and cried for help but no one could hear her. Tears seem to never stop flowing down her face.

She wanted to run away from it all. But how? How could she run away when the very thing that she wanted to run away from is herself? How could she escape her fate when she agreed to go through this in the first place?

She could only think of one thing to make the pain stop. But could she do it? Would she be able to sacrifice the one thing that she had wanted for so long when she was already so close?

She was oblivious to the sudden chaos around her. She was seeking her own oblivion, far away from the pain that was gripping her, eating her whole. Until, suddenly, she heard the cry. She let out a sigh of relief, smiled a little, before closing her eyes and succumbing to the darkness closing in on her.

It’s over.





She heard voices.  Somebody called her name. Someone asked if she was okay. Slowly opening her eyes, squinting at the bright lights of the room, she looked at the smiling faces hovering above her. Where was she? Trying to remember what happened, she looked around her. She was lying down, that she knew. But where? She didn’t recognize the room. She was not in her own room that she knew.

She tried to get up but the room swayed around her. Lying back down and closing her eyes, her memory started to return. The pain, the horror, the fear all returned to her. But she didn’t feel that kind of pain anymore. Had she died? No, she didn’t think so.

Opening her eyes once more, she looked at the people around her. Yes, she recognize the faces now. Happy faces they are, she thought. Somebody asked again if she was okay. She could only stare at first then remembering she was being asked, she nodded.

Somebody else was talking to her but nothing was sinking in until someone else handed her a bundle. Cradling it in her arms, she stared at the peaceful little face. This was the reason why she couldn’t give in to the face of death that haunted her – was it just a few hours ago? It felt like that was from a different lifetime.  The very reason why she tried so hard to live. The little fighter that she was willing to sacrifice everything for. Even her life if needed be.

All the questions she had about her decision were wiped out and a new resolve was in place. No, this was not a mistake. Not at all. It doesn’t matter what everyone says anymore.

She now has a reason to live again. Her old self had died on that table, along with the anxiety and uncertainties that she had. She felt reborn. Just like the phoenix that rose from the ashes, a new strength was given her. Something that no one else could take away from her. The little angel that she cradled was her salvation.

She has found a new direction to take. She may not know where it will lead them, she may not know what’s in store for her and she may not know how the next chapter in her life would go. She knew that there will be a lot of bumps along the way. Pending heartaches, a lot of uncertainties and a whole lot of decisions that she has to make but as long as she’s alive with her little man beside her life for her will go on.

She was looking forward to new adventures, new memories, new experiences. Her confidence restored, she was ready to face the world again.


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