I thought I was strong. I thought I can do this alone. I thought I can fight my own battles by myself. I thought I can even fight battles for my family and friends.
I forgot that I was only pretending. I got carried away with all the pretensions that I show to the world. It seems that all the walls that I’ve erected are now crumbling down, one by one. And now, I am scared that people will see me for who I really am. A person who hides behind a wall of make-believe. A person lost in a chaotic world, without any idea how to go through all the chaos. A child hiding behind the image of a woman.
I thought everything I believed in was true. Now, I cannot truly say if I still believe in them. People have disproved almost all the things that I know. All the things I’ve learned. I’m not sure on what I believe in right now. Now people are disappointed with me. I am disappointed with myself.
The world is a cruel place. Fate is vicious as well. It gives you a taste of how interesting and lively and enjoyable life could be. Then, all of a sudden, it takes it all away from you. The life that you are starting to enjoy now suddenly pulled out beneath you, leaving only emptiness and heartache. It shows you how cruel the world could be. The world that you’ve once considered a haven for all the fantasies that you have.
That is where the pretensions come in. you still pretend that everything is all right. You deny that there is a problem. You deny that you are not strong enough to handle the truth about the world. You tend to let people know that fate is still good to you. Even when it fact, fate has turned its back on you.
It hurts to be in a situation such as this. I should know, because I am in such state right now. But here I am, trying my best to hide everything from the world. Trying to put up all my defenses to keep all the hurt inside. Trying to bury everything in the deepest part of my soul just so I can show the world that I am fine. That I am strong enough. That I can handle everything. Even when in truth, I am scared. I am weak. And all I want to do is to hide from everything. To run away and to forget. To cry out all the pain and the hurt from deep inside. To let everything out until oblivion sets in. until emptiness is all that is left within.
I am tired of facing this alone. But I have no one else to run to. I have no more refuge. For my refuge has now turned its back against me. I have to face everything alone. With no defenses left. With no pretensions to hide the real me. No defenses to protect me. Only weakness that I can hide no longer. I am left with only myself, the real me, scarred and flawed, to face everything that I’ve tried to run away from.
Heaven help me, but I don’t know how to do this. This has been a battle that I have been avoiding. For I am not certain of the outcome. I am not certain on where I will be after this. I have been stocked in the middle of nowhere with more ways to go through than I can handle. And right now, I cannot think. For all I want to do is to hide from the world to let the hurt heal for just a moment. To get my defenses back in place so I can pretend that I can handle everything once again. To let the cruel world know that I am strong enough to fight my battles one more time. That I can be victorious… even when I know that I am weak and has accepted defeat…. in solitude.
*** This is the first ever post that I published online several years ago… and this is the fourth time that I am re-posting it here for people to read… 😀