complications and demons; mirrors and graves

Do you know the feeling when your demons just creep out in your mind like the plague? It usually happens when you are bored to death and the rest of your brain is running idle. Or something like that. You get the picture.

Anyway, what I’m trying to point out is I have been plagued by my own demons for quite sometime now. It is just now that I am acknowledging its presence. The feeling actually sucks. It throws you off your equilibrium. And it won’t stop until you reach the point that you just want to shoot your own head. Figuratively speaking, that is.

I am trying to forget. I’m trying to get rid of my own demons. But it seems that it doesn’t want to leave my head yet. It is enjoying the torture that I endure everytime it bugs me. Yet, no matter how much you want to get rid of it, the more that it holds on to you, to pester you, to make you guilty, to let you know of all your flaws. Until it can make you surrender.

I am trying to drown my demons in killing myself with whatever stuff to keep me occupied all the time. I can never be idle. I cannot let it pull me down.

But then when you spare a second to think about it, somehow, your demons are there to plague you for you to prove that you are better than what others think of you. Maybe it is also trying to tell you what your real flaws are, to show you who you really are. And the more you fight it, the more that it will bug you. Because you deny that that is who you are. It is a part of you.

Yet again, once you were able to face and accept who you are, your demons don’t stop there. It will involve other people. That’s where all the complications come in. Complications to the point that you trap yourself in your own doing. You dig your own grave then you try to blame other people for burying you in it.

Maybe that’s what I am doing. Maybe I am trying to blame someone for burying me in my own grave when I should be blaming myself for even getting into a situation that was way beyond my control. I got caught in my own trap. And in doing so, I also involved a lot of people. Now I can only blame myself for ending up like this.

Come to think of it, I can’t even trace my steps back to try and undo all the tangles I’ve done. Everything is out of proportion. Everything is more complicated that it was. And the only solution is to cut all the ties just so everybody can be freed from all these undefinable mess.

Now, it’s just me and my demons again. Plaguing me. Bugging me. Making me face the mirror to see who I really am. The mirror that I never wanted to face in the first place…


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