haunted

haunted by memories that are long forgotten
relinquished the warmth that is felt inside
crushed the soul that is now whole
hid the eyes that lost their glow.

past is past as what they say
forget yesterday and live for today
but fury burns slowly from within
breaking the silence that has set in.

release me from this hell i’ve made
imprisoned within the walls i’ve built
help for i have lost direction
give me back my last redemption.

haunted by memories that are long forgotten
bury me into sweet oblivion
calm the rage that burns inside
else, leave me be and let me die…

 

 

*** and yet another one from 6 years ago…

devastation

shattered dreams, wounded soul
broken heart, never whole
bleak eyes, mindless stare
stoned and old, life’s unfair.

darkness falls, nothing to see
windows blown, air gets chilly
pathway blurs, missed a step
body expires, needing rest

tortured flesh, crimson flows
feel the pain, let it go
hear the melody, sweet lullabye
close the eyes, say goodbye

 

 

*** another one from 6 years ago…

gone?

The week passed by without hearing from you
It might seem that I don’t care but I do
What the hell has happened to you?
It seemed that you vanished on cue.

Four more days and I’m back there again
I don’t know what I’ll be expecting
Will you be happy to see me?
Or are you happier to see the last of me?

What did I ever do to you?
I’ve wracked my brains but still got no clue
Was it something I’ve said or done?
Or was it you who has gone?

 

 

*** this was something written about 6 years ago… 😀

a new resolve

FACING DEATH

The time of reckoning has arrived. This is it! There is no turning back. Months of mixed emotions and there was no way that she could give up now. She had agreed to this and had wanted to be a part of it. Some may see it as a mistake; some may see it as a sacrifice. But for her, she sees it as a blessing. This was something she was yearning for, something that she was praying for.

However, if it was indeed a mistake, then this must be the payment for it. Because the pain is too excruciating. Something that she had never imagined nor anticipated. She felt like she was being torn to pieces and no matter what she did, the pain only got worse.

She pleaded but she never knew for what. Redemption – probably. Salvation – most likely. She just knew she needed something, anything that will stop the pain. People around her were trying to give her comfort yet she could not even recognize the faces. They wouldn’t be able to help her anyway. It was too late. This was something that she would go through alone.

She was prepared to go through hell but she wasn’t prepared to die. Not yet anyway. Thoughts of dying were running through her head. She was only seeing death right in her face. Death was about to take her. A litany of prayers was spoken and yet she knew not if it came from her or from the people around her.

A scream was burning deep down within but she was too weak to let it out. Or did she? She didn’t know anymore. Pain had a strong grip on her. How long would this go? Oh Lord, please let it end.

If only it will end now. She pleaded and pleaded and cried for help but no one could hear her. Tears seem to never stop flowing down her face.

She wanted to run away from it all. But how? How could she run away when the very thing that she wanted to run away from is herself? How could she escape her fate when she agreed to go through this in the first place?

She could only think of one thing to make the pain stop. But could she do it? Would she be able to sacrifice the one thing that she had wanted for so long when she was already so close?

She was oblivious to the sudden chaos around her. She was seeking her own oblivion, far away from the pain that was gripping her, eating her whole. Until, suddenly, she heard the cry. She let out a sigh of relief, smiled a little, before closing her eyes and succumbing to the darkness closing in on her.

It’s over.

 

 

 

REBIRTH

She heard voices.  Somebody called her name. Someone asked if she was okay. Slowly opening her eyes, squinting at the bright lights of the room, she looked at the smiling faces hovering above her. Where was she? Trying to remember what happened, she looked around her. She was lying down, that she knew. But where? She didn’t recognize the room. She was not in her own room that she knew.

She tried to get up but the room swayed around her. Lying back down and closing her eyes, her memory started to return. The pain, the horror, the fear all returned to her. But she didn’t feel that kind of pain anymore. Had she died? No, she didn’t think so.

Opening her eyes once more, she looked at the people around her. Yes, she recognize the faces now. Happy faces they are, she thought. Somebody asked again if she was okay. She could only stare at first then remembering she was being asked, she nodded.

Somebody else was talking to her but nothing was sinking in until someone else handed her a bundle. Cradling it in her arms, she stared at the peaceful little face. This was the reason why she couldn’t give in to the face of death that haunted her – was it just a few hours ago? It felt like that was from a different lifetime.  The very reason why she tried so hard to live. The little fighter that she was willing to sacrifice everything for. Even her life if needed be.

All the questions she had about her decision were wiped out and a new resolve was in place. No, this was not a mistake. Not at all. It doesn’t matter what everyone says anymore.

She now has a reason to live again. Her old self had died on that table, along with the anxiety and uncertainties that she had. She felt reborn. Just like the phoenix that rose from the ashes, a new strength was given her. Something that no one else could take away from her. The little angel that she cradled was her salvation.

She has found a new direction to take. She may not know where it will lead them, she may not know what’s in store for her and she may not know how the next chapter in her life would go. She knew that there will be a lot of bumps along the way. Pending heartaches, a lot of uncertainties and a whole lot of decisions that she has to make but as long as she’s alive with her little man beside her life for her will go on.

She was looking forward to new adventures, new memories, new experiences. Her confidence restored, she was ready to face the world again.

it wasn’t real…

No, it wasn’t real.
It was known from the beginning.
It was known that it will be painful.
But reality has been denied.
Instead, the risk was taken.
Not knowing that the risk will be one’s own sanity.

No, it wasn’t real.
It was all a figment of a twisted dream pieced together.
A fragment of the past that came haunting.
It was all but a dream turned into nightmare.

No, it wasn’t real.
It was the working of the mind misinterpreted by the heart.
It was the delusional yearning of youth.
The deep longing for a connection.
The endless searching of the soul.

No, it wasn’t real.
It was just the corruption of one’s innocence.

i alone…

So many things to say, yet I find no words to really say what’s inside. So many things are happening yet I can’t seem to cope with everything. It feels like I’m always trying to make sure that I am one step ahead of everyone however, everyone is catching up. I don’t have that much space anymore to move around. Not even to get ahead.

I feel like I am being dragged down by every small mistake I’ve made. And for every mistake, I lose something, someone along the way. Yet I know that I cannot go back. For some reason that I myself cannot understand. I have to leave what I lose, pick up on what’s ahead – until I lose it as well.

I have prayed for twists in my life. A few excitement here and there. But now, howcome, it seems that it had been a wrong thing to pray for? Everything is going down the drain because of it. I can barely catch my breath with all the things going around. I can even barely understand what’s already happening.

I am losing time. I am losing opportunities. I am losing people close to me. And for the life of me, I could not explain how my quiet life became such a chaotic mess. Everything that comes along my way gets in trouble. And in the end, I get all the blame and someone else the glory. Even if I haven’t done anything. Even if I was the one left shattered by it all.

I am wasting my time always picking up the pieces of my life everytime something happens only to have the pieces broken again after a while. I am tired of being in this place. Of being the one blamed for something just so someone’s fault can be justified. Yet I don’t have that much to give to turn the situation around anymore. I can only accept the blame. I can only accept the end.

I am hanging by a thread with all these things. And the burden is already becoming heavy. And I am totally sure that once the thread breaks, no one will be there to break my fall. I have to break my own fall. I have to heal my own wounds. I have to pick up all the pieces by myself. I alone will have to suffice. Because no one will be there. Because no one understands.

If only it’s possible to get rid of all the hurt in one day. If only a baggage full of hurt is like garments that are just shed when they’re soiled. If only…

I could only wish for the impossible. Maybe I need to get out of here. Maybe I need to disappear. And while at it, maybe I need to self-destruct. So I can start fresh…

all because of him…

Darkness surrounded her for what felt like eternity. Dark clouds hanging over her head. Working her way through life as the day passes by, not caring about time, not caring about anything. She stood by the sidelines, watching everything around her, all beautiful things happening, everything floating and flying with vibrant colors, leaving trails of sparkle.

She envied those around her, those who live life the way it should. Genuine smiles that makes the eyes sparkle goes her way but for some reason, she cannot return the kind of smile that matches the one she received. She wishes to be out of the dark and be one of those she envied, wishing that King Midas turns his way and turn her to gold so she can sparkle like everyone else. She felt like the sand, all coarse and gray amidst the smooth, clear surface of the glass that glitters in the sun.

She wanted to step into the light, to be vibrant as the others. To be the gold that’s worthy to the king, to be one of the gems that everybody admires. She wanted to live the live to the fullest, just like everybody else does.

She didn’t want to live in the dark anymore. She wanted to banish the dark cloud over her head. She wanted to feel light, to be light. Free from all the shackles of heartache and pain that pushed her to the sidelines of life.

She cannot do it alone though. She needed the tough of King Midas to turn her dark world to gold. The lightning of Zeus to strike the sand and be the clear glass, the span of time to turn her from an ordinary stone to one of the beautiful gems. She needed Prince Charming to kiss her awake from a long and deep slumber and promise her a happy ever-after ending.

Never had she expected that he would be that someone she was looking for. He may not be King Midas, but he makes her world look better. He may not have the lightning of Zeus but he makes her see clearer. He may not be the Prince Charming in any of the fairy tales but he broke the shackles that tied her life in the darkness.

She now feels like the butterfly that suddenly broke out of her cocoon, spreading her wings for the first time, seeing a different side of the world, everything in vibrant colors, everything sparkling, everything beautiful. All because of him.